Flyers Pizza (5466 Roberts Rd. Hilliard, OH) 614-529-0123

Hype: Our friend Sam is from the west side. He said this was a reliable "go to" pizza place. It has been a rough couple of trips to Hilliard. There has to be a good pizza in this town. We went by Sparano's on Hague Ave., but it is technically in San Margarita, not Hilliard. Bummer: it looked awesome. So, instead of what looked to be some supreme slice, we drove north in to the suburb to end all suburbs.

Scene: Had more of a chain vibe than we expected. Lots of High School-aged kids working in an assembly line. A college-aged dude with AJ Hawk hair and a cut up chin took our order and looked confused the whole time. We sat at the only table in the place and watched about a hundred customers come in and out to pick up their orders. I would not recommend eating in. They had one of those pizza towers on our table but no metal trays to set on it. Oh well. The boxes were nicely decorated.

The Pie:
Crust- Columbus thin. Nicely crispy, but nothing to write home about. Party strips made it perfectly edible.
Sauce- Sweet and somewhat flavorful.
Cheese- I question its authenticity. Very bland and not of the quality we would find at a superior shop. Here is where they were exposed.
Peps- Not terribly flavorful. Definitely lacked spice.

Overall: So far this is the best we have found in Hilliard. If you find yourself there, desperate, starving. This would be a fine place to get a pie. Only under those circumstances would I choose this place. Not bad, in any way. In fact it was an ok pizza. 3--5 pies. Our quest continues, but perhaps we need a break. Help: know of a really good Hilliard pizza?

Princi: White Cheese and Smoked Ham

Princi is a bakery on Wardour Street. I like it because it's simultaneously classy and cheap. Sort of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. What gives Princi the edge over Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman is that, as far as I know, Richard Gere was not involved at any point, and had nothing to do with the production of my pizza. That was a good call, managers of Princi. Before they opened they probably had a meeting debating whether or not to have a Richard Gere themed restaurant, mercifully they decided against it. They didn't even opt for a subtle compromise, like a loaf of bread shaped like RG's big, smug, face. They took a staunch 'No Gere Here!' policy, and it paid off. As far as an extra point being added to their score on a lame, little pizza blog that is read by precisely no one of significance* can be considered 'paying off'.

I got this pizza on a Tuesday night, and even though it was only a Tuesday, Princi was totally full and there was nowhere to sit. So my companion and I decided to find a nice park bench and have a late night, urban picnic. I'd never noticed this before, but the West End of London is severely lacking in the park bench department. We literally walked around for about forty-five minutes, and literally did not see a single bench. Literally, literally. In fairness this was only a minor inconvenience. Grumpy, middle-class white boy had to sit on the curb to eat his fancy pizza, boo fucking hoo, but it did make think how tough it must be being a homeless bum in that part of London. Sure there are probably shelters for them to sleep in, but I imagine those places have a bit of condescending view on all the crack and smack that I, as a homeless bum, would be looking to score.

*If you are reading this and consider yourself significant, please give your reasons as to why and, if I find them convincing enough, I'll happily send you an apology, hand-written in blood (not my own).

7 out of 10

Luigi's Pizza (5370 Cemetary Rd. Hlliard, OH)

Hype: We got burned last visit to Hillard so we thought we'd give it another try. A lot of people told us that this was one of the go to places in town, so how bad could it be? Plus we watched Ohio State's weak offense against Mich. State all afternoon...needed a good pizza pick-me-up.

Scene: Clearly family owned. While it was a bummer to drive past the never-ending Cemetery Rd. strip mall, once we got there we found a few posters on the wall, a Ms. Pac-Man machine, and every worker looked related-- good signs.

The Pie:
Crust- Very thin, but boring. This is such a standard path to take in Columbus, how can you get it wrong? Well, they found a way.
Sauce- I tasted lots of oregano, but it was not enough to prevent us from applying tons of red pepper flakes.
Cheese- Flavorless.
Peps- Boring.

Overall: boring. There must be some mistake. People have been hyping this place to us for over a year. Is this mediocrity the norm in Hilliard? I doubt it. The good people of Hilliard like affordable housing, football, and Starliner Diner (quality stuff). Although, they also like the Blue Jackets, long commutes, and Cheeseburger in Paradise: whoah. Our quest is not over. We think Hilliard has a pizza story to tell. There must be something to this no-nonsense town and we will find it. 2.5--5 pies, perfectly mediocre.