Montoni's Pizza (5244 Godown Road, Columbus--Bethel Center)

Hype: Dave drives past this place all the time so we knew of its existence. That's it. Honestly, two other places were closed so we settled on this place.

Scene: Very nice. It is attached to a bar. It was kinda run down. A nice lady was cooking pies and taking orders--a one woman show. She turned the TV to us and put on ESPN.

The Pie:
Crust- Great. Thin, well-cooked. Held up well, except for the greasy middle. That was a peperoni issue though. Alone, this crust was solid.
Sauce- Straight outta the can and not that good.
Cheese- Liberally applied and good.
Peps- Too greasy. Not that good.
Overall-- Not a bad pie if you are hard up or in a bar in Bethel Center that happens to be attached to a pizza shop. Non-pep pizzas are recommended. (3--5)

Homemade Pizza

Pizza #1 Slightly deformed, potentially incestuous. Still tasty.

I've been doing this blog for nearly two years now and in that time I've eaten a lot of pizza; and as we all know, with great eating comes great learning. A bit like how Vikings would drink the blood of their enemies in the hope they would absorb their fighting knowledge, like a more gruesome Highlander, I feel I've digested enough pizza to now know what I'm talking about. What I'm trying and failing and getting distracted by Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery to say is that I think I've now eaten enough pizza made by other people to have a go at making it myself. If my Father were alive and literate, I'm sure he'd be hugely disappointed that this will be the greatest achievement of my twenty-five years.

Pizza #2 Getting better, maybe the result of a coupling of greater distance. If the last one was brother-sister, this is maybe cousin-cousin? Maybe even second cousins, or is that me being big headed?

Whenever I'm feeling unsure what the right thing to do is, or lost like a lamb with no shepherd, there's one book I turn to for advice, spiritual support and hope for Mankind's salvation. I think we all know what I'm talking about, Jamie Oliver's 30 Minute Meals. Seriously, the recipes in this totally make up for Jamie's multitude of sins. Which I've handily listed right here:

• He dresses like a rich, fat, fourteen-year-old on non-school uniform day (i.e. he's making an effort, but it's still gone horribly, horribly wrong).
• He calls everyone 'brother'. He is way too white to do this.
• His haircut is so, so awful, to the point that it almost excuses those dreadful trucker hats he keeps wearing.
• When he's tasting something he does that thing where he rotates his finger because he's concentrating on the flavours so much. This annoys me because I've started doing that when I cook, and I hate to think I'm that easily influenced.
• His wife is too beautiful.
• He cried a lot on his American show and made us, as a nation, look weak and badly dressed.
• He opened a shop near my Dad (who's not really dead or illiterate FYI) where people learn to cook a meal then buy all the ingredients for it. This feels too smug and makes me want to riot a little.

But, like I said, all those perhaps over zealous criticisms are forgiven because this book is so handy. Particularly it's recipe for Cheat's Pizza. I guess it's called 'cheat's' because you cook the pizza in a frying pan not in a wood-fired oven. This annoyed me because I only found that out after I'd bought and installed a massive wood fired oven in my tiny kitchen. It's huge, it blocks the kitchen door and I think my flatmate Jack is stuck in there because I haven't seen him for a few weeks and there's a weird(er) smell coming from the other side.

Pizza #3 This guy's parents met online, they're both really good looking and from entirely different countries. Actually one of them was black. Yep, that's right, this pizza was so good, it was mixed race.

Basically you fry the pizza for 10 or so minutes then stick it under the grill for 5 minutes. It tastes pretty good and is really quick to make. As you can see from the photos my pizzas, like my belly, are getting steadily rounder. I've tried to give these pizzas a fair and unbiased score, it wasn't easy, but I think you'll agree this is what they deserve:

10 out of 10

Taranto's Pizza, 1282 East Powell Road, Lewis Center (614)841-2345

Hype: Dave heard about this place somehow from somebody. Lewis Center is not the first place on anyone's list of weekend destinations, unless you like big malls and personalized license plates--but for some reason we really wanted to try this place out.

Scene: After driving through an entire zip code dominated by bush-league chain operations it felt nice to sit down in a solid family-owned business. We came in to see a couple of kids finishing up some pie with their dad and other nice stuff. Not exactly a cool vibe in there but very comfortable. I guess it dates back to before Lewis Center sucked. Rumor is that a giant cornfield was there.
THE PIE!
Crust- Traditional Columbus style party thinz. This place was not trying to break the mold in any way, but they got it right. It was a little well done compared to some others we have had. This was a good thing, perhaps.
Sauce- Slightly sweet with barely a hint of Italian Seasoning. pretty good.
Cheese- Liberally applied and a little chewy. Mine kept coming off of the slice in one big sheet. Almost frustrating.
Peps- Nickel sized salty and somewhat curled up.

Overall- Not deviating one bit from the standard of the town this place did not disappoint or pleasantly surprise. It delivered a solid go-to pie for a reasonable price. If I lived up there, and I don't, luckily, I would get this pizza early and often. A good 3--5 pies.

!!! Faux-Posh Pizza Double Review !!! Maximum WOW !!!

So it looks like fancy pizzas are the new 'in-thing' in the mass pizza delivery world. How exciting. Call your children to tell them. If you don't have children that's fine, just record a video of you telling them to show your future baby the moment it pops out of your/your wife's/your girlfriend's/some girl's vagina.

At least this is the information I'm gleaming from Domino's and Pizza Hut's recent foray into 'not-obviously-crap' pizzas. I like the idea of companies watching the rise and fall of pizza trends. I'd like to think there are such things as pizza trends. It's nice to imagine they have charts and graphs measuring the popularity of various toppings all pinned up in their boardroom, so they know what kind of pizza is most likely to be the biggest thing on the pizza scene since someone decided to stuff a crust. There must be countless meetings where a bunch of pizza bigwigs discuss what new, so-hot-right-now, pizza is going to be the pizza equivalent of the music industry's seemingly relentless attempt to cash-in on the pedo-pound. They're searching for their very own Justin Pizzber. That's not a great pun, but I needed to lighten the mood quickly because mentioning pedophiles is rarely good for morale.

ANYWAY. Here's a couple of pizzas that, despite the fact they were obviously thought up in a horrible, corporate factory somewhere and are made of shit, are trying to convince me they're Fancy-Pants McCheese. Like they think I'm stupid. I'm going to prove I'm not stupid by writing about them. Could a stupid person write an irritating, pointless review to be read by perhaps a dozen people? I think not.

Domino's Gourmet Range: Rustica

So this is Domino's attempt at class and it's a bit like the pizza equivalent of MTV's G's to Gents. Did you ever watch that? It was like a hip-hop version of Tool Academy. You didn't watch that either? Good for you. Basically they just took a bunch of loser dickheads who all thought they were major players in the game and told them to start wearing ties. Not that that's bad advice, it's just that some people look so uncomfortable in a tie you wish they'd take it off because it's making your neck itch. 

That's pretty much what's going on here. Domino's are dressing one of their regular pizzas up in a fancy suit and telling me he's a changed man. As if just because they're using 'SunBlush' baby tomatoes, the maxi-stodge base isn't going to turn my belly into the digestive equivalent of a motorway pile-up. As if having something as unconventional as spinach on there is going have me reassessing my belief that all Domino's ingredients are actually made from the same Play-Doh-like substance and all the guy at the shop has to do is paint the different toppings the right colour. No way buddy. Not happening dog. I'm like the girlfriend of a recently released convict who got banged up for domestic battery. "You ain't never getting in this house no more! No way, no how!"

Pizza Hut: Primo Italiano

'Primo Italiano'? Seriously? That's the best name you could come up with? It sounds like when you're on holiday and your Dad talks in an accent because he thinks that will help locals understand him. If that has ever happened to you, then don't worry, I don't know that because I was hiding behind a lamp post, watching, while your Father argued with an Italian traffic warden outside the airport. I'm not stalking you, or following you and your family and that dipshit boyfriend of yours around while you're all on holiday. That would be weird. Anyway, plane tickets to Tuscany are too expensive at this time of year and I know you might think you saw me when you were at that market trying on that bracelet but try and remember I have a very generic face. It could have been anyone. Anyone except me.

Anyway, this pizza can do one. It's like those guys that go to bars alone in tacky suits and sit there sipping a lime and soda and barging their way into girls' conversations. They reek of cheap perfume and I imagine they get home at 2am and try and call their mother and when she doesn't pick up they have a crank and stay up all night entering those TV roulette shows. I feel sorry for those guys. I don't feel sorry for this pizza though because it's just a pizza and therefore has no feelings, only cheese.

Verdict:

When you polish a turd all you end up with is a polished turd. Which admittedly is better than a normal turd, (it's all nice and polished for God's sake!) but it is still a turd and you wouldn't want to put it in your mouth. Which is exactly what I did with these two pizzas. But then I am by no means a good example of someone who makes sensible decisions concerning what to put, and not put, in their mouth (not much homo).

Anthony's Pizza, 602 Pleasant Ridge Avenue, Columbus, OH (614)-231-6628

Hype: Dave had been itching to try this place out for a while. A lot of people say it rivals the other Bexley pizza powerhouse, Rubino's. We've been getting burnt a lot too, lately, out in Hilliard so a more promising pie was just what the Dr. ordered.

Scene: This is a very small place. It's right off main by Capital U. and the Bexley Library. One or two outdoor tables and a few more inside. An older guy running the show. All signs pointed to good pizza.
The Pie:
Crust- Hand tossed with a nice crunchy outside and airy inside. A good handle to grab while you dominate each slice. I would have liked about two or three more minutes in the oven because it was just a little pale. I like mine a little more brown. Still, it was very good. Cut in to pie slices rather than party strips.
Sauce- Subtle and nice. Basil and garlic, but not overpowering.
Cheese- Not heavily applied. More in the center and fading to the edges, intentionally. I liked it.
Peps- Very good, spicy, salty. Cupped for his pleasure.

Overall: This is a class act shop. No pretense in the shop yet it served up some fancy pie. Good prices too. A solid 4--5.

Flyers Pizza (5466 Roberts Rd. Hilliard, OH) 614-529-0123

Hype: Our friend Sam is from the west side. He said this was a reliable "go to" pizza place. It has been a rough couple of trips to Hilliard. There has to be a good pizza in this town. We went by Sparano's on Hague Ave., but it is technically in San Margarita, not Hilliard. Bummer: it looked awesome. So, instead of what looked to be some supreme slice, we drove north in to the suburb to end all suburbs.

Scene: Had more of a chain vibe than we expected. Lots of High School-aged kids working in an assembly line. A college-aged dude with AJ Hawk hair and a cut up chin took our order and looked confused the whole time. We sat at the only table in the place and watched about a hundred customers come in and out to pick up their orders. I would not recommend eating in. They had one of those pizza towers on our table but no metal trays to set on it. Oh well. The boxes were nicely decorated.

The Pie:
Crust- Columbus thin. Nicely crispy, but nothing to write home about. Party strips made it perfectly edible.
Sauce- Sweet and somewhat flavorful.
Cheese- I question its authenticity. Very bland and not of the quality we would find at a superior shop. Here is where they were exposed.
Peps- Not terribly flavorful. Definitely lacked spice.

Overall: So far this is the best we have found in Hilliard. If you find yourself there, desperate, starving. This would be a fine place to get a pie. Only under those circumstances would I choose this place. Not bad, in any way. In fact it was an ok pizza. 3--5 pies. Our quest continues, but perhaps we need a break. Help: know of a really good Hilliard pizza?

Princi: White Cheese and Smoked Ham

Princi is a bakery on Wardour Street. I like it because it's simultaneously classy and cheap. Sort of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. What gives Princi the edge over Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman is that, as far as I know, Richard Gere was not involved at any point, and had nothing to do with the production of my pizza. That was a good call, managers of Princi. Before they opened they probably had a meeting debating whether or not to have a Richard Gere themed restaurant, mercifully they decided against it. They didn't even opt for a subtle compromise, like a loaf of bread shaped like RG's big, smug, face. They took a staunch 'No Gere Here!' policy, and it paid off. As far as an extra point being added to their score on a lame, little pizza blog that is read by precisely no one of significance* can be considered 'paying off'.

I got this pizza on a Tuesday night, and even though it was only a Tuesday, Princi was totally full and there was nowhere to sit. So my companion and I decided to find a nice park bench and have a late night, urban picnic. I'd never noticed this before, but the West End of London is severely lacking in the park bench department. We literally walked around for about forty-five minutes, and literally did not see a single bench. Literally, literally. In fairness this was only a minor inconvenience. Grumpy, middle-class white boy had to sit on the curb to eat his fancy pizza, boo fucking hoo, but it did make think how tough it must be being a homeless bum in that part of London. Sure there are probably shelters for them to sleep in, but I imagine those places have a bit of condescending view on all the crack and smack that I, as a homeless bum, would be looking to score.

*If you are reading this and consider yourself significant, please give your reasons as to why and, if I find them convincing enough, I'll happily send you an apology, hand-written in blood (not my own).

7 out of 10