Homemade Pizza

Pizza #1 Slightly deformed, potentially incestuous. Still tasty.

I've been doing this blog for nearly two years now and in that time I've eaten a lot of pizza; and as we all know, with great eating comes great learning. A bit like how Vikings would drink the blood of their enemies in the hope they would absorb their fighting knowledge, like a more gruesome Highlander, I feel I've digested enough pizza to now know what I'm talking about. What I'm trying and failing and getting distracted by Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery to say is that I think I've now eaten enough pizza made by other people to have a go at making it myself. If my Father were alive and literate, I'm sure he'd be hugely disappointed that this will be the greatest achievement of my twenty-five years.

Pizza #2 Getting better, maybe the result of a coupling of greater distance. If the last one was brother-sister, this is maybe cousin-cousin? Maybe even second cousins, or is that me being big headed?

Whenever I'm feeling unsure what the right thing to do is, or lost like a lamb with no shepherd, there's one book I turn to for advice, spiritual support and hope for Mankind's salvation. I think we all know what I'm talking about, Jamie Oliver's 30 Minute Meals. Seriously, the recipes in this totally make up for Jamie's multitude of sins. Which I've handily listed right here:

• He dresses like a rich, fat, fourteen-year-old on non-school uniform day (i.e. he's making an effort, but it's still gone horribly, horribly wrong).
• He calls everyone 'brother'. He is way too white to do this.
• His haircut is so, so awful, to the point that it almost excuses those dreadful trucker hats he keeps wearing.
• When he's tasting something he does that thing where he rotates his finger because he's concentrating on the flavours so much. This annoys me because I've started doing that when I cook, and I hate to think I'm that easily influenced.
• His wife is too beautiful.
• He cried a lot on his American show and made us, as a nation, look weak and badly dressed.
• He opened a shop near my Dad (who's not really dead or illiterate FYI) where people learn to cook a meal then buy all the ingredients for it. This feels too smug and makes me want to riot a little.

But, like I said, all those perhaps over zealous criticisms are forgiven because this book is so handy. Particularly it's recipe for Cheat's Pizza. I guess it's called 'cheat's' because you cook the pizza in a frying pan not in a wood-fired oven. This annoyed me because I only found that out after I'd bought and installed a massive wood fired oven in my tiny kitchen. It's huge, it blocks the kitchen door and I think my flatmate Jack is stuck in there because I haven't seen him for a few weeks and there's a weird(er) smell coming from the other side.

Pizza #3 This guy's parents met online, they're both really good looking and from entirely different countries. Actually one of them was black. Yep, that's right, this pizza was so good, it was mixed race.

Basically you fry the pizza for 10 or so minutes then stick it under the grill for 5 minutes. It tastes pretty good and is really quick to make. As you can see from the photos my pizzas, like my belly, are getting steadily rounder. I've tried to give these pizzas a fair and unbiased score, it wasn't easy, but I think you'll agree this is what they deserve:

10 out of 10

Taranto's Pizza, 1282 East Powell Road, Lewis Center (614)841-2345

Hype: Dave heard about this place somehow from somebody. Lewis Center is not the first place on anyone's list of weekend destinations, unless you like big malls and personalized license plates--but for some reason we really wanted to try this place out.

Scene: After driving through an entire zip code dominated by bush-league chain operations it felt nice to sit down in a solid family-owned business. We came in to see a couple of kids finishing up some pie with their dad and other nice stuff. Not exactly a cool vibe in there but very comfortable. I guess it dates back to before Lewis Center sucked. Rumor is that a giant cornfield was there.
THE PIE!
Crust- Traditional Columbus style party thinz. This place was not trying to break the mold in any way, but they got it right. It was a little well done compared to some others we have had. This was a good thing, perhaps.
Sauce- Slightly sweet with barely a hint of Italian Seasoning. pretty good.
Cheese- Liberally applied and a little chewy. Mine kept coming off of the slice in one big sheet. Almost frustrating.
Peps- Nickel sized salty and somewhat curled up.

Overall- Not deviating one bit from the standard of the town this place did not disappoint or pleasantly surprise. It delivered a solid go-to pie for a reasonable price. If I lived up there, and I don't, luckily, I would get this pizza early and often. A good 3--5 pies.

!!! Faux-Posh Pizza Double Review !!! Maximum WOW !!!

So it looks like fancy pizzas are the new 'in-thing' in the mass pizza delivery world. How exciting. Call your children to tell them. If you don't have children that's fine, just record a video of you telling them to show your future baby the moment it pops out of your/your wife's/your girlfriend's/some girl's vagina.

At least this is the information I'm gleaming from Domino's and Pizza Hut's recent foray into 'not-obviously-crap' pizzas. I like the idea of companies watching the rise and fall of pizza trends. I'd like to think there are such things as pizza trends. It's nice to imagine they have charts and graphs measuring the popularity of various toppings all pinned up in their boardroom, so they know what kind of pizza is most likely to be the biggest thing on the pizza scene since someone decided to stuff a crust. There must be countless meetings where a bunch of pizza bigwigs discuss what new, so-hot-right-now, pizza is going to be the pizza equivalent of the music industry's seemingly relentless attempt to cash-in on the pedo-pound. They're searching for their very own Justin Pizzber. That's not a great pun, but I needed to lighten the mood quickly because mentioning pedophiles is rarely good for morale.

ANYWAY. Here's a couple of pizzas that, despite the fact they were obviously thought up in a horrible, corporate factory somewhere and are made of shit, are trying to convince me they're Fancy-Pants McCheese. Like they think I'm stupid. I'm going to prove I'm not stupid by writing about them. Could a stupid person write an irritating, pointless review to be read by perhaps a dozen people? I think not.

Domino's Gourmet Range: Rustica

So this is Domino's attempt at class and it's a bit like the pizza equivalent of MTV's G's to Gents. Did you ever watch that? It was like a hip-hop version of Tool Academy. You didn't watch that either? Good for you. Basically they just took a bunch of loser dickheads who all thought they were major players in the game and told them to start wearing ties. Not that that's bad advice, it's just that some people look so uncomfortable in a tie you wish they'd take it off because it's making your neck itch. 

That's pretty much what's going on here. Domino's are dressing one of their regular pizzas up in a fancy suit and telling me he's a changed man. As if just because they're using 'SunBlush' baby tomatoes, the maxi-stodge base isn't going to turn my belly into the digestive equivalent of a motorway pile-up. As if having something as unconventional as spinach on there is going have me reassessing my belief that all Domino's ingredients are actually made from the same Play-Doh-like substance and all the guy at the shop has to do is paint the different toppings the right colour. No way buddy. Not happening dog. I'm like the girlfriend of a recently released convict who got banged up for domestic battery. "You ain't never getting in this house no more! No way, no how!"

Pizza Hut: Primo Italiano

'Primo Italiano'? Seriously? That's the best name you could come up with? It sounds like when you're on holiday and your Dad talks in an accent because he thinks that will help locals understand him. If that has ever happened to you, then don't worry, I don't know that because I was hiding behind a lamp post, watching, while your Father argued with an Italian traffic warden outside the airport. I'm not stalking you, or following you and your family and that dipshit boyfriend of yours around while you're all on holiday. That would be weird. Anyway, plane tickets to Tuscany are too expensive at this time of year and I know you might think you saw me when you were at that market trying on that bracelet but try and remember I have a very generic face. It could have been anyone. Anyone except me.

Anyway, this pizza can do one. It's like those guys that go to bars alone in tacky suits and sit there sipping a lime and soda and barging their way into girls' conversations. They reek of cheap perfume and I imagine they get home at 2am and try and call their mother and when she doesn't pick up they have a crank and stay up all night entering those TV roulette shows. I feel sorry for those guys. I don't feel sorry for this pizza though because it's just a pizza and therefore has no feelings, only cheese.

Verdict:

When you polish a turd all you end up with is a polished turd. Which admittedly is better than a normal turd, (it's all nice and polished for God's sake!) but it is still a turd and you wouldn't want to put it in your mouth. Which is exactly what I did with these two pizzas. But then I am by no means a good example of someone who makes sensible decisions concerning what to put, and not put, in their mouth (not much homo).

Anthony's Pizza, 602 Pleasant Ridge Avenue, Columbus, OH (614)-231-6628

Hype: Dave had been itching to try this place out for a while. A lot of people say it rivals the other Bexley pizza powerhouse, Rubino's. We've been getting burnt a lot too, lately, out in Hilliard so a more promising pie was just what the Dr. ordered.

Scene: This is a very small place. It's right off main by Capital U. and the Bexley Library. One or two outdoor tables and a few more inside. An older guy running the show. All signs pointed to good pizza.
The Pie:
Crust- Hand tossed with a nice crunchy outside and airy inside. A good handle to grab while you dominate each slice. I would have liked about two or three more minutes in the oven because it was just a little pale. I like mine a little more brown. Still, it was very good. Cut in to pie slices rather than party strips.
Sauce- Subtle and nice. Basil and garlic, but not overpowering.
Cheese- Not heavily applied. More in the center and fading to the edges, intentionally. I liked it.
Peps- Very good, spicy, salty. Cupped for his pleasure.

Overall: This is a class act shop. No pretense in the shop yet it served up some fancy pie. Good prices too. A solid 4--5.

Flyers Pizza (5466 Roberts Rd. Hilliard, OH) 614-529-0123

Hype: Our friend Sam is from the west side. He said this was a reliable "go to" pizza place. It has been a rough couple of trips to Hilliard. There has to be a good pizza in this town. We went by Sparano's on Hague Ave., but it is technically in San Margarita, not Hilliard. Bummer: it looked awesome. So, instead of what looked to be some supreme slice, we drove north in to the suburb to end all suburbs.

Scene: Had more of a chain vibe than we expected. Lots of High School-aged kids working in an assembly line. A college-aged dude with AJ Hawk hair and a cut up chin took our order and looked confused the whole time. We sat at the only table in the place and watched about a hundred customers come in and out to pick up their orders. I would not recommend eating in. They had one of those pizza towers on our table but no metal trays to set on it. Oh well. The boxes were nicely decorated.

The Pie:
Crust- Columbus thin. Nicely crispy, but nothing to write home about. Party strips made it perfectly edible.
Sauce- Sweet and somewhat flavorful.
Cheese- I question its authenticity. Very bland and not of the quality we would find at a superior shop. Here is where they were exposed.
Peps- Not terribly flavorful. Definitely lacked spice.

Overall: So far this is the best we have found in Hilliard. If you find yourself there, desperate, starving. This would be a fine place to get a pie. Only under those circumstances would I choose this place. Not bad, in any way. In fact it was an ok pizza. 3--5 pies. Our quest continues, but perhaps we need a break. Help: know of a really good Hilliard pizza?

Princi: White Cheese and Smoked Ham

Princi is a bakery on Wardour Street. I like it because it's simultaneously classy and cheap. Sort of like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. What gives Princi the edge over Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman is that, as far as I know, Richard Gere was not involved at any point, and had nothing to do with the production of my pizza. That was a good call, managers of Princi. Before they opened they probably had a meeting debating whether or not to have a Richard Gere themed restaurant, mercifully they decided against it. They didn't even opt for a subtle compromise, like a loaf of bread shaped like RG's big, smug, face. They took a staunch 'No Gere Here!' policy, and it paid off. As far as an extra point being added to their score on a lame, little pizza blog that is read by precisely no one of significance* can be considered 'paying off'.

I got this pizza on a Tuesday night, and even though it was only a Tuesday, Princi was totally full and there was nowhere to sit. So my companion and I decided to find a nice park bench and have a late night, urban picnic. I'd never noticed this before, but the West End of London is severely lacking in the park bench department. We literally walked around for about forty-five minutes, and literally did not see a single bench. Literally, literally. In fairness this was only a minor inconvenience. Grumpy, middle-class white boy had to sit on the curb to eat his fancy pizza, boo fucking hoo, but it did make think how tough it must be being a homeless bum in that part of London. Sure there are probably shelters for them to sleep in, but I imagine those places have a bit of condescending view on all the crack and smack that I, as a homeless bum, would be looking to score.

*If you are reading this and consider yourself significant, please give your reasons as to why and, if I find them convincing enough, I'll happily send you an apology, hand-written in blood (not my own).

7 out of 10

Luigi's Pizza (5370 Cemetary Rd. Hlliard, OH)

Hype: We got burned last visit to Hillard so we thought we'd give it another try. A lot of people told us that this was one of the go to places in town, so how bad could it be? Plus we watched Ohio State's weak offense against Mich. State all afternoon...needed a good pizza pick-me-up.

Scene: Clearly family owned. While it was a bummer to drive past the never-ending Cemetery Rd. strip mall, once we got there we found a few posters on the wall, a Ms. Pac-Man machine, and every worker looked related-- good signs.

The Pie:
Crust- Very thin, but boring. This is such a standard path to take in Columbus, how can you get it wrong? Well, they found a way.
Sauce- I tasted lots of oregano, but it was not enough to prevent us from applying tons of red pepper flakes.
Cheese- Flavorless.
Peps- Boring.

Overall: boring. There must be some mistake. People have been hyping this place to us for over a year. Is this mediocrity the norm in Hilliard? I doubt it. The good people of Hilliard like affordable housing, football, and Starliner Diner (quality stuff). Although, they also like the Blue Jackets, long commutes, and Cheeseburger in Paradise: whoah. Our quest is not over. We think Hilliard has a pizza story to tell. There must be something to this no-nonsense town and we will find it. 2.5--5 pies, perfectly mediocre.

Ecco: Margherita

On Drury Lane there's a little cafe with a sign outside offering 11" pizzas for £3.50. Normally I'd see that and do a little scoff because, for £3.50, you usually end up with a lump of bread that's been soaked in floor cleaner and liquid heart disease. However I was right to stifle my scoff. Partly because I was by myself, and what kind of jerk stands outside a quiet cafe in the middle of the afternoon making audible scoffing noises? That would both look weird and be weird. People walking past would think "Why is that guy staring at that sign making those odd throat noises? He must be a weirdo" and they'd be right. That's one reason it was a scoff-free experience, the other is that Ecco make a bloody nice little pizza. Really gooey.

I like gooey, sloppy pizzas. I like when holding it all together actually takes serious concentration and if you're not careful your fingers take a long, sticky trip down Hot-Tomato-Cheese Road. That's quite an unlikely name for a road and probably doesn't exist, but if it does and anyone lives there, let me know so I can come and live with you.

I don't think you should be able to hold a pizza upside down above your head without getting a messy head massage from uncle gravity. This is perhaps not a test that should be carried out in real life because the only possible outcomes are either that you have a pizza made partially of glue or you get a unusually tasty new hat. Definite lose-lose. Yummy pizza guys, nice work!

8 out of 10

Pizza Cottage, Newark, OH (969 Mt. Vernon Rd)

Hype: I'll be real honest. We totally went to Plaza Pizza first but it they are closed on Sundays--family folk and all. This Newark location of the Cottage is really close so we just went down the road a few blocks and they were open. We were bummed about not getting Plaza Pizza since we hardly ever make it back to Newark.

Scene: It is a large place with a huge outdoor eating space. It was a little rainy so we ate inside. OSU stuff mixed NASCAR on the walls. They also have tons of TV's just in case ya need 'em. Lot's of extended families at the large tables. Very family-friendly atmosphere--with beer.

The Pie:
Crust- This is a very classic Central Ohio thin crust. Party strips hold up well but since the it was so well done it might even hold up in a slice format. Nice work.
Sauce- Again, the classic sweet sauce with lots of dried Italian Seasoning. I like this style.
Cheese- A little bland, but well-applied and in no way bad.
Peps- Salty-spicy and generously applied. Cupped with some not cupped. Good.

Overall: This was not a mind blowing pizza experience but that should not minimize what Pizza Cottage does. They have a nice place with room for lots of families to get together around a good solid pie. Everything about it was solid, and traditional Central Ohio Pizza. A good option if Plaza is closed. 4--5 Pies!

Element Pizza (3rd & Chestnut St., Downtown)

Hype: A couple people mentioned this place as having some good crust. We sure got burnt last time at Cottage Inn and we needed some redemption pie, so hopefully this place pulls through.



Scene: Element just opened I guess so the minimalist decor made sense. It's in an old bar so hopefully the put the space to good use some day with beers and the like. Not a lot to say here. We were pleased to see a lack of pretense and high prices- as is the case with other downtown area pizza shops.



THE PIE:

Crust- Lived up to the hype. Very, Very good crust. Very crusty on the outside with a doughy, airy interior. See above. Perfectly done, perhaps best in town.

Sauce- Sweet and good, but a little lacking in volume next to the crust and peps.

Cheese- Again, it was good, but a little out of balance. We understand that this is an artisan, fancy pie, but balance is the key to life. Rotolo's uses too much, these guys use too little.

Peps- Nice peps. Salty, spicy, and I guess locally made. We really liked em. They do overpower some of the other ingredients though.



Overall: Powerful peps, strong crust, and nice sauce. Very good pizza. They just opened so you sure won't find $6 drafts of microbrews and dudes in American Apparel tank tops...yet. Hopefully they keep the good thing going-- they have the potential to be awesome. Solid 4--5. This place would beat Yellow Brick in a stare down.

Tesco: Spicy Meatball Calzone

This seemed a bit posh for Tesco, but then in my eyes not living in a car with your wife-sister-daughter-mum is a bit posh for Tesco so maybe I'm a little bias. I hate shopping at Tesco. I'm not some anti-capitalist, burn 'em down revolutionary. I'm more than happy paying for Mr and Mrs Sainsbury's eighth summer holiday of the year, and I'm pretty sure I'm putting the Morrison's kids through higher education, but Tesco just feels evil. I think it's the font. I also don't like the slew of faceless celebrity voices that keep telling me 'every little helps.' Whichever way you look at it, that's a horrible slogan. Either it's really patronising, and suggesting that the huge, unbearable awfulness that is my life is, albeit briefly, relieved by the infinite benevolence of Tecso's 2 for £4 offer on Innocent Smoothies, or, and perhaps more sinisterly, it's implying that 'every little' purchase is inching Tesco closer and closer to some nefarious goal. Like there's the equivalent of Blue Peter's Totaliser in their head office, except evil, filled with blood and covered in skulls. Actually, I think I was right the first time, it is the font. Also, is there a more boring colour scheme than red, white and blue? I'd be more into a subtle range of greys and beiges. Patriotism, shmatriotism.

This was actually not bad, and I think it only cost about £3. That's pretty good for what is essentially a fancy, unorthodox pizza. What's fun about calzones is the way that, because all the toppings are compressed together, they burst in little pockets of tomato and cheese when you bite into them. Mmmm. That was definitely the sexiest sentence ever written in the history of this blog.

7 out of 10

Pizza Hut: Sizzling Sweet Chilli

Sshhh. This review is being whispered to you because I ate this while watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in a friend's living room. It was quite a small living room, there were about seven people there and as I was the only one who'd ordered food I felt bad because I was making a lot of noise while people, about 50% of whom I knew, pretended the volume of the TV was enough to drown out me wafting the cardboard pizza box around and chewing like a lawnmower. It wasn't. If they'd been a gullible bunch they might have thought Voldemort had cast a 'Super-Irritatus-Soundius-Everywherio' spell on Harry and the gang. However they didn't think that because I make a point of not hanging out with morons. Although we were a bunch of twenty-somethings getting emotionally involved in a Harry Potter movie, so maybe I do. Buckbeak... :,(

I've had bad experiences with spicy pizzas in the past. Sadly not exciting 'bad experiences', like attempted murder or heartbreak, only pedestrian ones like them being too spicy. Thankfully this pizza was spicy enough to warrant a "Woah, this guy's zingy", without becoming a "I can feel my brain sweating out of my nose, I'm going to stop eating so I don't die." This is a delicate balance to get right. I should point out those would have been internal thoughts and not said out loud, especially to group of already annoyed half-strangers, and especially not half way through arguably the best Harry Potter film of them all, and especially not when I was so hungry doing anything with my mouth other than eating seemed inconceivable. Especially, especially.

Sometimes I get like that, where I have food and I'm so hungry that literally all I can think about is eating. Things like breathing, manners and snogging hotties take a few steps down the priority ladder. The amount of times I've had to pass up smooching some next-level babe because I had pizza to eat is higher than you'd think, (assuming you'd guessed a negative number).

7 out of 10

Cottage Inn (Cemetary Road, Hilliard, OH)

Hype: A couple of people sent e-mails in the past few months talking this joint up. I also had a co-worker or two mention it. We were in the mood for a good pie so we thought we'd give Hilliard a chance.
**NOTE-- We did not yet know that this is a chain from Michigan or that this pizza sucks.

Scene: Cottage Inn sits in a strip mall attached to a supermarket, which is usually a good sign, so we were off to a good start. Once we got inside things went down hill fast. Some kid was asleep in one of the booths. A bunch of teenage suburban rejects, one of whom has a Wu-Tang neck-tat was smoking in the doorway, were working there. Had the tat been Juggalo/ICP related I would have been happy (always good in pizza shops), but Wu-Tang: no. We smelled crappy chain right away, but for some reason kept hope alive. Another hint we didn't take was that it was 70 degrees in there. Good pizza shops (Gattos, for example) are usually hotter than the Amazon Jungle in summer. I almost passed out picking up a good pie from there just last week. Deep dish pictures and Italian scenes painted on walls looked very nice though.

THE PIE:
Crust- Airy and doughy at the same time while being flavorless. If it were good we would have liked the thickness but it sucked.
Sauce- Straight from the can. Tomato-flavored.
Cheese- It was there, but I could not taste it.
Peps- Very ordinary. Very bland. Very mediocre.

Overall: We discussed many questions while eating this pizza:
1) Why would anyone come here?---We don't know.
2) Is this worse than Pizza Hut?---Yes, much worse.
3) Little Caesars?--- Possibly. We refuse to eat LC's so we can never answer this question with confidence.
4) Would we rather eat a Red Baron Pizza at home?---Absolutely. Even if we lived right next to this place we would prefer going next door to the supermarket and just cooking our own Red Baron. It was like when Hungry Howies opened up at the top of the hill. We wanted it to be good, but it just wasn't. This place is absolutely bogus.
5) Is that sleeping kid high, related to one of the workers, or just sleeping here for no reason?

In conclusion, we hear a lot about Luigi's in Hilliard, so we'll do it next time -even without knowing anything about it, I guarantee it beats the hell out of Cottage Inn. This is probably the worst pizza in Hilliard OH. 2--5 pies.

La Formachetta: Casareccia

I've put 'Casareccia' in the title of this post because that was the pizza I ordered. The pizza I ate and the pizza in the photo is not a 'Casareccia' it's a 'Ortolana'. Which, if you ask me, (which you didn't, I'm just pre-empting your curiosity, you're welcome), sound more like Lamborghinis than pizzas. But then that could be down to the Italian-ness of the names. And when you're as pig-headed as I am, buying supermarket own brand tampons* would sound like describing how a girl's cheeks glisten like rose petals in the fresh morning dew,** just so long as you said it in Italian.

* F.Y.I. "Ciao, vorrei acquistare questi tamponi super economic per favore?"
**"Mi piace il tuo boobies"

I'm getting a bit distracted from explaining why the pizza listed wasn't the pizza eaten. The explanation's pretty simple. Dumb waiters. I'm not talking about the little lifts used to transport food, although they had those as well. They had both types of dumb waiters, the useful kind and the useless kind. If they also had a waiter that was literally unable to speak then that would be great because then they would have the full spectrum of 'dumb waiters'. It could be like a dumb waiter museum. That would be a good day out, perhaps a potential date spot. Preferably take someone you don't want to go out with anymore but are too scared to dump.

Anyway the idiot shmuck with the notepad brought me the wrong pizza, I told him it was the wrong pizza, he told me it wasn't, I told him I'd ordered one with sausage and this had aubergine and aubergines aren't sausages, he didn't believe me and then I noticed I had about 15 minutes to eat it anyway as I had places to be. So I put down the gun and let the hostages go. It's cool, we still keep in touch.

0 out of 10. WRONG PIZZA DICKHEAD.

Tristano's Pizzaria (3306 Columbus St. Grove City, OH)

Hype: People have been talking all kinds of hype about Grove City lately...well at least the pizzas they make. I think we've had three or four people mention it to us in the past month or two so we thought it would be worth the trip.

Scene: The shop was on a pretty major looking street of mixed residential and commercial spaces. Tristano's is in an old house (like Newark, OH's Plaza Pizza) and it has a really nice patio space in the front. Some people were having a cornhole tournament while we were there. I had a good feeling about this. We ordered one extra large thin and one small Chicago style because we don't really know much about Chicago style pizza. I still haven't decided if it is really pizza or just pizza-themed casserole or something like that--so much cheese--overkill.
The Pie: (The thin crust on the right, not that big monster, which was good, on the left)
Crust- very crispy and very thin. Browned perfectly so that it did not submit to the abundant toppings above.
Sauce- traditional Ohio style. Not too fancy but slightly sweet with well-applied Italian seasoning.
Cheese- moderately applied, quality cheese. Not too heavy but in no way lacking.
Peps- cupped and crisp when on top, soft on the bottom. Abundantly applied but not overkill. Very well done here. Pretty spicy too.
Overall: We had the freshly brewed iced tea because of the drive but I must say they like good beers at this place too. We were impressed by all aspects of this shop. Good environment for a beer and many slices. Solid pies--both thin and thick. If I lived in Grove City, I would go here all the time. A strong 4-5 pies!

Carsonie's Stromboli & Pizza (W. Lane Ave, Upper Arlington, OH)

Hype: Jim and Sean Wright go to the Westerville location once in a while and always have good things to say. We were hyped up about the NBA Finals and wanted some good pizza.

Scene: It's got two parts. We first went in to the bar/restaurant side and didn't get a good vibe. Not a pizza pick-up place at all. A few middle-aged people having dinner with their kids. The nice lady at the door said we belonged in the rear building. She was right. We went in there and knew we were in the right place. Tennagers and a few lifers working numerous pizza ovens. Local sports team posters on the wall. OK.

The Pie:
Crust- Thick and bready. Way too much garlic butter. We don't know if they put it in the crust or on top of the pie, but it was over the top garlic. If you could get past the garlic it was good though.
Sauce- It was there. I know because I had to look. I couldn't taste it though.
Cheese- Tons of it. I had cheese poisoning. But it was really good, so I shouldn't complain.
Peps- I don't really know. They were not abundant and they were overpowered by all that garlic, so it is difficult to say.

Overall: Jim said it was nothing like the Westerville operation. It would have been pretty good had it not been for all the garlic. If you like garlic and cheese (and little else) maybe this is your shop. I prefer a more balanced pie. 3--5 Pies. With heavyweights Rotolo's, Tommy's, Iacano's, and Sparano's in the neighborhood I could not justify getting this pie unless serious changes are made. I hear the Stromboli is way better than the pizza.

The Haggerston: Margherita

If you've never been, the Haggerston is a pub in Dalston. In fact, even if you have been it's still a pub in Dalston. It's location is in no way dependant on your attendance. That must come as a relief, to know that you are in no way responsible for the livelihood and well being of one of my many local drinking establishments. Or perhaps not, maybe its highlighted the true magnitude of your insignificance, to know that you, a self-aware, semi-capable human being are powerless to have any real effect on a pile of bricks. Maybe you could burn it down? Molotov cocktails through the windows? All that alcohol must be a fire hazard, and think of what it would do for your sense of self-worth. I expect you'd finally feel ready to audition for X-Factor or something. Don't though, (burn down the Haggerston or audition for X-Factor), I have a couple of chums that work there and I'd hate to think of them jobless/dying in fiery agony.

It would also be a shame because the pizza's are pretty good. They're kind of sloppy in a good way and the margherita's only £5.50 or something. And there's chilli oil if you're so inclined. They do a bunch of wacky toppings like pear or artichokes. I don't like artichokes, they're wankers. More like artiNOPES! Geddit?!?! If you didn't understand, let me deconstruct that shit little joke for you like it was a brand new set of reverse-Lego. Consider this a little peek behind the curtain to see how the magic happens:

Phase 1: Realisation I don't enjoy artichokes. I find them tough to chew and rude. They are rude vegetables. If they had the facilities to ignore more me I'm pretty sure they would. - I decide to illustrate this fact in pun form.

Phase 2: Gestation Having realised and accepted my negative feelings towards the vegetables I look at ways to subtly work this into word play of some kind. Fartichokes? Too childish. Although, obviously, bloody funny. Something less toilet orientated....Aha!

Phase 3: Actualisation Thus artiNOPES is born. Like a human birth there is a lot of blood, screaming and women in pain.

Now you know the extreme lengths that I go to for all these crap jokes. Gratitude please. Or money. In fact forget gratitude. Gratitude can't earn me Nectar points.

The other thing I like about the Haggerston is that there's a little room before the toilets where both the girls and the boys queue up. It's separated by communal sinks and I always think must be a great place to chat to ladies. Classic lines like "Washing your hands are you? Why? Did you accidently piss on them?" or, directed towards some hottie mid-queue, "Hey, so what are you here for? Poo or a wee?" have, as of writing, gained me precisely zero girlfriends. I'll let you know if that changes.

8 out of 10

Trattoria Da Luigi: Spicy Sausage

Story time! Actually wait, that's misleading. Calling this a story implies there's some kind of drama or suspense involved, or it has even the tiniest amount of narrative drive. I wouldn't want to lead anyone on by suggesting something like that. I'll be more specific and try again:

Dull story time! A few days ago my friends asked me if I wanted to meet them for a lunchtime pizza. I'm not going to tell you what I said because you should really be able to make a fairly educated guess by now, in the same way you should have caught on to the predictability of the 'sticking hands in flames = burns', and 'large Nazi memorabilia collection = a lot less custody' patterns of cause and effect. They told me to meet them at "The Il Baccio pizzeria on Stoke Newington Church Street". However, and I'm ashamed I haven't noticed this before, there are four different pizza places with 'Il Baccio' signs on that road. It is possible that there are more than four pizza places vying for the title of Church Street's premier Il Baccio, but I had to wander around three of them looking like I'd been victim of a particularly unimaginative prank before I found my chums.

See what I mean about dull stories? How uninteresting was that? The concise version of that 'story' would be: It took me longer than expected to find the restaurant. Snawn* or what? I feel sorry for my Grandchildren, they're going to hate hanging out with me. I'll be the senile, grey-haired equivalent of Nytol. I probably don't need to worry about Grandkids just yet. I hear to get to that point you need to cross the 'kids' barrier first, and to get to 'kids' you need to cross the 'fertile, vaguely consenting woman' barrier. Neither of which looks like it will be happening any time soon. Anyway this pizza was actually really tasty, and totally worth the wandering.

*To snore and yawn simultaneously.

9 out of 10

Homa: Calzone

If I was a travel card I’d want to make sure I was valid in zones 1 – 'Cal'. ßWhat a shit opening joke. I was going to make a funny about the Kenny Loggins song, you know the one from Top Gun and substitute “Highway to the dangerzone” to “Highway to the calzone” but it didn’t have enough syllables and doesn't really work phonetically due to pronunciation issues. When it comes to shoddy puns about 80’s power pop let it never be said I’m not a stickler. I don’t imagine anyone has ever actually said the words “that Joe guy can't stickle for shit”, which I guess means people are abiding by my wishes. Thanks guys, let’s keep a lid on this ‘non-stickler’ nonsense. I don’t want to get some kind of reputation.

I like to think of calzones as the Italian Cornish pasty, in the sense that they are like a pastry parcel filled with lunch. It’s quite telling as to how much classier Italy is than Cornwall based on what constitutes ‘lunch’. In Cornwall you open up your pasty and you get a lump of ground up meat and carrots, in Italy you get tomato sauce, cheese, ham, mushrooms, a bit of basil, maybe some olive oil.  This comparison is basically a less funny and more specific version of Homer’s (the Greek poet) “White people have names like Lenny and black people have names like Carl” joke, except it would be “Italian people have things in their pasties like mozzarella and Cornish people have things in their pasties like mincemeat.”

Speaking of the famous yellow fat dudes, (not Jackie Chan you racist pig, he's not fat) these guys are pretty big fans of Homer, so much so they named the restaurant after him. However they obviously went over budget and could only afford an ‘A’ and not an ‘ER’ for the sign. I like this because it gives everything a bit of an urban edge. It’s basically a hip-hop/Simpsons themed restaurant. I went there once before, for brunch, but I just had a fry up, not pizza. If you’re the kind of person that has pizza for brunch then you’re sick and probably know where Maddie is.

8 out of 10

Pizza Mart 5413 Sinclair Rd. Columbus, OH (614) 888-5575

Hype: Somebody told us that this place was pretty good and it got us thinking. It has to be good if it can stay open across the street from Columbus Pizza Icon, Pizza House, for so long, right? We also wanted to go somewhere we thought would be good since our last outing was not so great.


Scene: Two tables, a couple of refrigerators, and two older dudes gave this place a nice feel. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the three cats outside guarding the parking lot. It felt like I was back in Newark.

The Pie:
Crust: Thin. Not the thinnest in town but close. A few air bubble despite the flakiness. Well done.
Sauce: It reminded us a little of Hound Dog's spicy sauce, but not exactly. Perhaps the highlight of the pie.
Cheese: Not overwhelming, but still good. Nothing stood out here.
Peps: Tons of peps. The top ones were toasted the bottom still oily and delicious. Just look at that beauty!

Overall: Pizza Mart might be the perfect example of a Columbus thin-style pie. While it does not break from the thin-crust mold in any way, it might be the top of the heap in this category. Our jury was split 50/50 on whether or not we liked this place, or their better-known neighbor better. We could all agree that it might be the best pizza value in town. Good stuff; a strong 4/5 pies!!!

Mikie's Late Night Slice (15 E Duncan St. North Campus, Columbus)

Hype: This address has been a pizza place since forever and it never seems to be very good. Mikie's Late Night (same as in short north, I think) moved in because they have a knack for finding idiot proof locations. We were partying up the street and decided to drop by.

Scene: We tried to get a beer at Ledo's to build up our appetite and get in to character, but they wanted a dollar at the door for some reason: guess not. Oh well. So we went over to the pizza shop. They had just finished putting in some nice wood-looking floors to spruce up the place. It looks and smells very Cleveland. They guys are from there and it shows: I think in a good way. If I had come over from a long tour of duty at Ledo's it would have been even better. Everything was painted black. A couple of stools to sit on while you wait.

The Pie:
Crust- Garlic butter basted thick airy edges with semi floppy, but still somewhat firm support for all that cheese and sauce.
Sauce- Sweet but kinda bland. Nothing bad, but nothing to write home about either.
Cheese- Lots of it. Again, just ok.
Peps- Reminded me of Houddog's up the street. Kinda thin and greasy. Not enough spice. The reason they have banana peppers on the "Spicy Ass Pepperoni" is because their peps are weak. Gimmick Pizza.

Overall: If you are wasted on North Campus at 3:45 they are open. It is not that bad, just not too good. I don't know what ANONYMOUS was so excited about. Yes, it is your best drunk food option for a two or three block radius, but that is the only reason I would return. Not something to plan out or look forward to. That said, the guys seem pretty alright and they seem to understand bar economics-- it doesn't have to be all that good. A strong 3--5. There are nights I would have given it 8--5 under strange circumstances.

Bono Pizza (1717 Northwest Blvd, Columbus, 614-906-8646)

Hype: We were pumped up about this one. Some friends said a few good things about it and a few people wrote to recommend it. High expectations, lots of mystery!

Scene: This is not what we expected. So you walk in to the beverage carry out and look left. I think it used to by a "Coney Island". Remember? They turned it in to a nice little faux Italian kitchen that just serves pizza I guess. It was really small and really crowded with very nice people: a couple Australians, a family, and an Asian guy with two big cans of Coors in front of him he brought in from the carry out next door. We talked about just getting it pick-up but some nice people were finishing up and offered us their table for two. Three of our four sat down at the table. I asked the lady working if she had an extra chair and she obliged--this made it really tight but everyone was kool about it. The placed ruled! Jim went to the carry out (which happened to be right through the sliding steel security gate) to pick up a sixer of a favorite beer. Things were getting even better. By the way: everyone was partying in there. It was like a paradise: a Pizza Speakeasy!

The Pie:
Crust- Laid back, not fully round, airy, soft underbelly due to all the sauce (see below) and crispy edges.
Sauce- Very nice. Herby, especially with all the basil. If you don't like basil you will not like this pizza. We all really liked it. Perhaps the highlight of the pie.
Cheese- Mixture of fresh mozza, asiago, and others. unevenly distributed, and heavy in spots. Very tasty.
Peps- Moderately spicy, yet very flavorful. Plenty of them and also unevenly applied. Also good.

Overall: This place ruled. We washed down the pies with the waffles that they had for dessert. Between the good company, friendly hosts, and comfortable chair we ate some totally good pizza. I will be coming back a lot, I hope, as long as everyone keeps this joint quiet. If we all go hyping it up like Bill Bellamy it will get too crowded and then we can't sit down and eat. Think about it. 5---5. Bono Rules!

Perfect Pizza: Sheer Perfection

I'd seen a few Perfect Pizza shops around town and had written them off as existing about one rung below Domino's on the ladder of 'gross pizzas'. That's a pretty bad rung to be on, in fact I'm not even sure it's still part of the ladder. It may just be lying on the ground at the foot of the ladder, probably in a puddle of muddy water. Despite my reservations I decided to give it a shot on the glowing recommendation of my flatmate. New rule: Never listen to my flatmate.

For £22 we got two large pizzas, chicken wings, potato wedges, garlic bread and some dips. In fairness that's a pretty good deal, here's a list of those things ranked in order of how much I liked them:
1) Chicken wings.
2) Potato wedges.
3) Garlic bread.
4) The dips.
5) The pizza.

Like my old Gramps has never said, nor will ever say because he's not from the old West, "When dips trump pizza, shit ain't right".

In the photo, if you look closely, you can kind of see the cheese is shining a little bit. I don't want shiny cheese. Shiny cars, shiny shoes, shiny shins, fine, shiny cheese, not so much. Also, and maybe I was unlucky and this was just a one off, but I think the guy that made my pizza ran out of tomato sauce and the only thing he had to replace it with was salt. Loads of salt. Luckily for me I'm not a slug because this pizza would have shrivelled the shit out of me. Not that having to spend the rest of my life unable to eat this pizza because it would now be fatal to me would be the worst thing about waking up to find I'd become a slug. There'd be loads of other drawbacks, like not having legs, or eyes or arms or no slime. I think perhaps I (and possibly all of us) take not being slimy for granted, we shouldn't, we're so lucky to be able to live slime-free lives. Think about that. Jah bless.

3 out of 10

Indo: Forestiere

Indo is either a pub or a bar in Whitechapel. I'm not sure which because it looked like a pub in the sense that there were old wooden tables everywhere, it was dimly lit and a man brought his dog in but it may have been a bar because have you ever heard of a pub with a name like Indo? I was there because it was a friend's birthday and it serves pizza, both valid reasons to leave the house.

They have a classic, old-fashioned wood fired oven that churns out crispy pizzas every fifteen minutes or so. Slightly irritating however is that this oven is apparently only big enough for one pizza at a time, so considering there were about a dozen of us, pizzas came out at a slow enough pace to leave each person taking turns being the solitary pizza eater, while everyone else had to sit around watching them chew. It's almost as if Indo never considered the possibility that more than one person could come in and actually want to eat pizza at the same time. Maybe, prior to my friend's birthday, their clientele consisted solely of sad, hungry loners. Not such an unreasonable theory, Whitechapel does kind of bum me out. I can imagine if I had to spend a lot of time there my sadness, loneliness and hunger levels would increase at a similar pace. I think it's because the pavement's so wide it feels a bit like you're adrift in some dismal, concrete desert, that and all the sirens. So a desolate, urban wasteland exclusively populated by crime and accidents. Cheery stuff.

The Forestiere was a simple enough affair, ham, mushrooms, onions and an egg. Good old eggs. I'm getting into eggs on pizzas. Do you think chickens realise how lucky they are that people value their menstruations? This is a little gross but, girls, would it ease the cramping and moods or whatever if someone were to write you a charming letter once a month whole-heartedly thanking you for your used tampons? Would that make all the bleeding a little more bearable? Bear in mind I'm not offering to write these letters, I'm speaking in hypotheticals, don't send me any creepy, damp parcels. They definitely won't get opened.

7 out of 10

Chicken Nugget Pizza

I've begun the last few posts apologising for my lack of activity and blaming laziness. I'm not going to do that this time because it's been over a month and apologising for being that negligent would be like apologising to a grieving mother after you'd mowed down her baby boy in your Fiat Punto with a box of Miniature Heroes. So in conclusion, I'm an awful person and I don't deserve your forgiveness.

This is my friend Cassie and she really likes chicken nuggets.

Her thirst for the little lumps of pulverised chicken guts is funny because Cassie is a girl and I'm disappointed every time I remember Cassie's pockets aren't filled with moonbeam lollipops or marshmallows made by unicorn babies. There's probably just some spare change, a cigarette lighter or lint in there. I'm just guessing, I've never asked because "Hey, so, what's in your pockets?" is a question only friendly muggers or a drunk Gollum could get away with asking.

Cassie fucking loves chicken nuggets. If it rhymed and she had more pop culture relevance, 50 Cent should have substituted his "Love you like a fat kid loves cake" line for "Love you like Cassie loves chicken nuggets". Were I ever to be dangling off one side of a bridge and there was a single chicken nugget hanging off the other and Cassie only had time to save one of us I wouldn't fancy my chances. I feel a bit silly using the word 'fetish', but I don't think phrases like 'keen interest' or 'enthusiasm for' quite convey the severity of her passion for chicken nuggets, so I'm going to have to go with it. Cassie has a chicken nugget fetish.

We had a conversation about how great a pizza with chicken nuggets would be that went exactly like this:

Cassie: Wouldn't a pizza with chicken nuggets be great?

Myself: Yes Cassie, it would.

So we made one. Here's a recipe that's easier to follow than Charlie Sheen's Twitter. (See, I haven't been locked away in an Eastern European prison for the last six weeks, I still know what's up).

1) Nuggets take longer to cook than pizza. To ensure both finish cooking at the same time, cook the nuggets on their own a little first.

Here are some nuggets about to be put into the oven. The more astute amongst you will notice a distinct lack of pizza.

2) Once your nuggets are half cooked stick those squishy little dickheads on a pizza and put it all back in the oven.

If you compare this photo to the one above, you will see that the quantity of pizzas present has increased by precisely 1.

3) Eat the bastard.

CHICKEN NUGGET out of CHICKEN NUGGET