La Formachetta: Casareccia

I've put 'Casareccia' in the title of this post because that was the pizza I ordered. The pizza I ate and the pizza in the photo is not a 'Casareccia' it's a 'Ortolana'. Which, if you ask me, (which you didn't, I'm just pre-empting your curiosity, you're welcome), sound more like Lamborghinis than pizzas. But then that could be down to the Italian-ness of the names. And when you're as pig-headed as I am, buying supermarket own brand tampons* would sound like describing how a girl's cheeks glisten like rose petals in the fresh morning dew,** just so long as you said it in Italian.

* F.Y.I. "Ciao, vorrei acquistare questi tamponi super economic per favore?"
**"Mi piace il tuo boobies"

I'm getting a bit distracted from explaining why the pizza listed wasn't the pizza eaten. The explanation's pretty simple. Dumb waiters. I'm not talking about the little lifts used to transport food, although they had those as well. They had both types of dumb waiters, the useful kind and the useless kind. If they also had a waiter that was literally unable to speak then that would be great because then they would have the full spectrum of 'dumb waiters'. It could be like a dumb waiter museum. That would be a good day out, perhaps a potential date spot. Preferably take someone you don't want to go out with anymore but are too scared to dump.

Anyway the idiot shmuck with the notepad brought me the wrong pizza, I told him it was the wrong pizza, he told me it wasn't, I told him I'd ordered one with sausage and this had aubergine and aubergines aren't sausages, he didn't believe me and then I noticed I had about 15 minutes to eat it anyway as I had places to be. So I put down the gun and let the hostages go. It's cool, we still keep in touch.

0 out of 10. WRONG PIZZA DICKHEAD.

Tristano's Pizzaria (3306 Columbus St. Grove City, OH)

Hype: People have been talking all kinds of hype about Grove City lately...well at least the pizzas they make. I think we've had three or four people mention it to us in the past month or two so we thought it would be worth the trip.

Scene: The shop was on a pretty major looking street of mixed residential and commercial spaces. Tristano's is in an old house (like Newark, OH's Plaza Pizza) and it has a really nice patio space in the front. Some people were having a cornhole tournament while we were there. I had a good feeling about this. We ordered one extra large thin and one small Chicago style because we don't really know much about Chicago style pizza. I still haven't decided if it is really pizza or just pizza-themed casserole or something like that--so much cheese--overkill.
The Pie: (The thin crust on the right, not that big monster, which was good, on the left)
Crust- very crispy and very thin. Browned perfectly so that it did not submit to the abundant toppings above.
Sauce- traditional Ohio style. Not too fancy but slightly sweet with well-applied Italian seasoning.
Cheese- moderately applied, quality cheese. Not too heavy but in no way lacking.
Peps- cupped and crisp when on top, soft on the bottom. Abundantly applied but not overkill. Very well done here. Pretty spicy too.
Overall: We had the freshly brewed iced tea because of the drive but I must say they like good beers at this place too. We were impressed by all aspects of this shop. Good environment for a beer and many slices. Solid pies--both thin and thick. If I lived in Grove City, I would go here all the time. A strong 4-5 pies!

Carsonie's Stromboli & Pizza (W. Lane Ave, Upper Arlington, OH)

Hype: Jim and Sean Wright go to the Westerville location once in a while and always have good things to say. We were hyped up about the NBA Finals and wanted some good pizza.

Scene: It's got two parts. We first went in to the bar/restaurant side and didn't get a good vibe. Not a pizza pick-up place at all. A few middle-aged people having dinner with their kids. The nice lady at the door said we belonged in the rear building. She was right. We went in there and knew we were in the right place. Tennagers and a few lifers working numerous pizza ovens. Local sports team posters on the wall. OK.

The Pie:
Crust- Thick and bready. Way too much garlic butter. We don't know if they put it in the crust or on top of the pie, but it was over the top garlic. If you could get past the garlic it was good though.
Sauce- It was there. I know because I had to look. I couldn't taste it though.
Cheese- Tons of it. I had cheese poisoning. But it was really good, so I shouldn't complain.
Peps- I don't really know. They were not abundant and they were overpowered by all that garlic, so it is difficult to say.

Overall: Jim said it was nothing like the Westerville operation. It would have been pretty good had it not been for all the garlic. If you like garlic and cheese (and little else) maybe this is your shop. I prefer a more balanced pie. 3--5 Pies. With heavyweights Rotolo's, Tommy's, Iacano's, and Sparano's in the neighborhood I could not justify getting this pie unless serious changes are made. I hear the Stromboli is way better than the pizza.

The Haggerston: Margherita

If you've never been, the Haggerston is a pub in Dalston. In fact, even if you have been it's still a pub in Dalston. It's location is in no way dependant on your attendance. That must come as a relief, to know that you are in no way responsible for the livelihood and well being of one of my many local drinking establishments. Or perhaps not, maybe its highlighted the true magnitude of your insignificance, to know that you, a self-aware, semi-capable human being are powerless to have any real effect on a pile of bricks. Maybe you could burn it down? Molotov cocktails through the windows? All that alcohol must be a fire hazard, and think of what it would do for your sense of self-worth. I expect you'd finally feel ready to audition for X-Factor or something. Don't though, (burn down the Haggerston or audition for X-Factor), I have a couple of chums that work there and I'd hate to think of them jobless/dying in fiery agony.

It would also be a shame because the pizza's are pretty good. They're kind of sloppy in a good way and the margherita's only £5.50 or something. And there's chilli oil if you're so inclined. They do a bunch of wacky toppings like pear or artichokes. I don't like artichokes, they're wankers. More like artiNOPES! Geddit?!?! If you didn't understand, let me deconstruct that shit little joke for you like it was a brand new set of reverse-Lego. Consider this a little peek behind the curtain to see how the magic happens:

Phase 1: Realisation I don't enjoy artichokes. I find them tough to chew and rude. They are rude vegetables. If they had the facilities to ignore more me I'm pretty sure they would. - I decide to illustrate this fact in pun form.

Phase 2: Gestation Having realised and accepted my negative feelings towards the vegetables I look at ways to subtly work this into word play of some kind. Fartichokes? Too childish. Although, obviously, bloody funny. Something less toilet orientated....Aha!

Phase 3: Actualisation Thus artiNOPES is born. Like a human birth there is a lot of blood, screaming and women in pain.

Now you know the extreme lengths that I go to for all these crap jokes. Gratitude please. Or money. In fact forget gratitude. Gratitude can't earn me Nectar points.

The other thing I like about the Haggerston is that there's a little room before the toilets where both the girls and the boys queue up. It's separated by communal sinks and I always think must be a great place to chat to ladies. Classic lines like "Washing your hands are you? Why? Did you accidently piss on them?" or, directed towards some hottie mid-queue, "Hey, so what are you here for? Poo or a wee?" have, as of writing, gained me precisely zero girlfriends. I'll let you know if that changes.

8 out of 10

Trattoria Da Luigi: Spicy Sausage

Story time! Actually wait, that's misleading. Calling this a story implies there's some kind of drama or suspense involved, or it has even the tiniest amount of narrative drive. I wouldn't want to lead anyone on by suggesting something like that. I'll be more specific and try again:

Dull story time! A few days ago my friends asked me if I wanted to meet them for a lunchtime pizza. I'm not going to tell you what I said because you should really be able to make a fairly educated guess by now, in the same way you should have caught on to the predictability of the 'sticking hands in flames = burns', and 'large Nazi memorabilia collection = a lot less custody' patterns of cause and effect. They told me to meet them at "The Il Baccio pizzeria on Stoke Newington Church Street". However, and I'm ashamed I haven't noticed this before, there are four different pizza places with 'Il Baccio' signs on that road. It is possible that there are more than four pizza places vying for the title of Church Street's premier Il Baccio, but I had to wander around three of them looking like I'd been victim of a particularly unimaginative prank before I found my chums.

See what I mean about dull stories? How uninteresting was that? The concise version of that 'story' would be: It took me longer than expected to find the restaurant. Snawn* or what? I feel sorry for my Grandchildren, they're going to hate hanging out with me. I'll be the senile, grey-haired equivalent of Nytol. I probably don't need to worry about Grandkids just yet. I hear to get to that point you need to cross the 'kids' barrier first, and to get to 'kids' you need to cross the 'fertile, vaguely consenting woman' barrier. Neither of which looks like it will be happening any time soon. Anyway this pizza was actually really tasty, and totally worth the wandering.

*To snore and yawn simultaneously.

9 out of 10

Homa: Calzone

If I was a travel card I’d want to make sure I was valid in zones 1 – 'Cal'. ßWhat a shit opening joke. I was going to make a funny about the Kenny Loggins song, you know the one from Top Gun and substitute “Highway to the dangerzone” to “Highway to the calzone” but it didn’t have enough syllables and doesn't really work phonetically due to pronunciation issues. When it comes to shoddy puns about 80’s power pop let it never be said I’m not a stickler. I don’t imagine anyone has ever actually said the words “that Joe guy can't stickle for shit”, which I guess means people are abiding by my wishes. Thanks guys, let’s keep a lid on this ‘non-stickler’ nonsense. I don’t want to get some kind of reputation.

I like to think of calzones as the Italian Cornish pasty, in the sense that they are like a pastry parcel filled with lunch. It’s quite telling as to how much classier Italy is than Cornwall based on what constitutes ‘lunch’. In Cornwall you open up your pasty and you get a lump of ground up meat and carrots, in Italy you get tomato sauce, cheese, ham, mushrooms, a bit of basil, maybe some olive oil.  This comparison is basically a less funny and more specific version of Homer’s (the Greek poet) “White people have names like Lenny and black people have names like Carl” joke, except it would be “Italian people have things in their pasties like mozzarella and Cornish people have things in their pasties like mincemeat.”

Speaking of the famous yellow fat dudes, (not Jackie Chan you racist pig, he's not fat) these guys are pretty big fans of Homer, so much so they named the restaurant after him. However they obviously went over budget and could only afford an ‘A’ and not an ‘ER’ for the sign. I like this because it gives everything a bit of an urban edge. It’s basically a hip-hop/Simpsons themed restaurant. I went there once before, for brunch, but I just had a fry up, not pizza. If you’re the kind of person that has pizza for brunch then you’re sick and probably know where Maddie is.

8 out of 10

Pizza Mart 5413 Sinclair Rd. Columbus, OH (614) 888-5575

Hype: Somebody told us that this place was pretty good and it got us thinking. It has to be good if it can stay open across the street from Columbus Pizza Icon, Pizza House, for so long, right? We also wanted to go somewhere we thought would be good since our last outing was not so great.


Scene: Two tables, a couple of refrigerators, and two older dudes gave this place a nice feel. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the three cats outside guarding the parking lot. It felt like I was back in Newark.

The Pie:
Crust: Thin. Not the thinnest in town but close. A few air bubble despite the flakiness. Well done.
Sauce: It reminded us a little of Hound Dog's spicy sauce, but not exactly. Perhaps the highlight of the pie.
Cheese: Not overwhelming, but still good. Nothing stood out here.
Peps: Tons of peps. The top ones were toasted the bottom still oily and delicious. Just look at that beauty!

Overall: Pizza Mart might be the perfect example of a Columbus thin-style pie. While it does not break from the thin-crust mold in any way, it might be the top of the heap in this category. Our jury was split 50/50 on whether or not we liked this place, or their better-known neighbor better. We could all agree that it might be the best pizza value in town. Good stuff; a strong 4/5 pies!!!